Behind the Mask
by ThisCatalyst'sPen
Summary: Raphael never took off his mask, not even when he was in the shower. His mask was like a part of him, scratch that, was a part of him. Without it he felt naked and open, and if there was one thing Raphael didn't like, it was being open.


**~B**ehind.**T**he.**M**ask~

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"Anger will never dissappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."  
~Buddha

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**A/n: **Hey guys, this is my first ever TMNT fic so please be nice. If I've gotten something wrong or the finer details aren't quite right or the turtles are a little OOC then please tell me kindly so I can better improve my writting ^^  
I'd like to thank _ToonyToons _for introducing me to TMNT! I've seen a few episodes from the 2003 TV series and the 2007 movie. All I can say is Raphael/NightWatcher can save me any day of the week ;)  
Rated T for swearing. Honestly, would it be a Raphael story if it didn't have a few swears tossed in?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own TMNT (wish I did) or the song **Save Me **by Staind, which is used in this story because honestly, the lyrics so fit the hot-headed turtle ^^

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Raphael never took off his mask, not even when he was in the shower. His mask was like a part of him, scratch that, _was _a part of him. Without it he felt naked and open, and if there was one thing Raphael didn't like, it was being open. His beloved scarlet mask was like a piece of his skin, and if it was removed it would show the raw emotions that lay underneath. It would show others everything Raphael liked to keep heavily guarded. It would make him weak, and Raphael knew he certainly was not weak, despite what the rest of his family thought.

So his mask became a cloaking device, a shield that would hide all his emotions away so no one could read them. He didn't understand how people could actually like expressing their emotions so freely to others. Didn't they worry about what the others would think of them once they saw what lay under the exterior? Or maybe it was only to Raphael. He was sure no one else had what he had hidden under his shell and green skin.

He sighed and leaned his head against the slick tiles of the shower stall, letting the rivulets of hot water roll over his skin. What did he have inside of him that he didn't want others to know? Raphael couldn't be quite sure. He knew he was a hot-head, as the others called him. He knew he had a temper and it didn't take much to make him angry, especially during fights. He knew he was a little rough around the edges. He knew he didn't like to be kept in a cage and follow other people's orders, that's why he had become the Night Watcher, so he wouldn't be confined to the new lives Mikey and Don had been forced to live when Leo left them.

_This dark room  
Another cigarette  
The carpet's strewn  
I'm getting sick of this_

_Leo. _Just thinking the name made Raphael's hands curl into deadly fists. His older brother, the leader of…well whatever you would call their small group of four. _Why did Leo always have to be the one in charge? Why did Leo have to take responsibility over everything? Why did Leo think he could just abandon the family for a year, letting it slowly fall to pieces before coming back to take over again?_

"Damn it!" Raph swore, slamming his fists into the hard tiles. They gave way a little under his fists, sending a jarring pain over his hands. But he liked the pain, it was a distraction, and right now he needed a distraction.

Sure things had been smooth between the two after they had stopped the Stone Generals. For two weeks things were actually good between the two. Instead of fighting and arguing like they used to they were just happy that the other was safe. Instead of sneaking out at night like he used to, Raph had stayed in the sewers, training with his brothers. He couldn't remember the last time they had all trained like that, like a team.

_The end is near  
I'm in the thick of it  
And I'll be there soon  
If you can handle it_

But even Leo couldn't keep the happy family thing running forever. Soon Raph was annoyed again and constantly questioning Leo's direct orders. So what if he rushed into a fight without thinking? So what if he let his anger controle him? So what if he did stupid things? It was the only way Raph knew how to act in a fight; blind with rage and not stopping until all his attackers were gone. What was so wrong with that? For him it was effective. For him it was the only way he knew how to fight.

_Just save me  
From all that I am  
You save me  
For the fuck of it_

They had just had another fight, this one quite loud. Raph couldn't even remember what it had been about really. He just knew that they were both yelling, faces inches from the other. Fists were about to fly and rough fingers poked harshly against plastrons. Raph had felt nothing but anger, an anger so deep, so rooted in his mind, that it had consumed him, had taken over him.

_Save me  
Just hold out your hand  
You save me  
From all of it_

Raph closed his eyes and let his head rest against the cool tiles. The water had long since gone cold.

"_Why is it so hard for you to listen to me Raph?" Leonardo was yelling in exasperation, gesturing around him wildly. "Why is it so hard for you to follow simple orders?"_

"_Don't act all high and mighty on me Leo!" Raph had yelled back, his eyes ablaze, adrenaline coursing through his white hot veins. "I don't need a lecture from our fearless leader!"_

"_Well obviously you do!" Leo snapped, eyes narrowing at Raph. "What were you thinking out there? You could have gotten yourself killed!"_

"_I was doing fine til' ya had to intervene," Raph growled. "Why can't ya just leave me alone for a change?"_

"_Because you're always out there doing stupid things and I can't stop worrying if you're lying somewhere injured and dying or even if you're going to walk back through the door!"_

"_Oh that's rich," Raph laughed darkly. "I can take care of myself Leo! Ya were gone for a year; you don't think we could have taken care of ourselves then? We managed fine without ya!"_

"_And what? You call dressing up every night as a vigilante to save the city fine?" Leo retorted._

"_It was better than sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for ya ta show up!" Raph yelled, hands twitching at his sides for his sais. "Here's a newsflash for ya fearless, we can take care of ourselves! We don't need ya!"_

_I try to speak myself  
You can do it too  
I need no one's help  
I'm needing only you_

"_Obviously!" Leo cried, his face scrunched up in anger. He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes and sighing. "Why can't you just accept my help Raph? Why do you hate me?"_

"_We've already gone over this once before Leo," Raph growled, remembering the fight on the rooftop. "We don't need ta go there again." And with that Raph had turned on his heel and marched off to the showers, barley holding back a cry of anger._

_So just pray for me  
And deliver it  
You never take from me  
What I'm giving_

Raph turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, making his way to the single mirror hanging over the basin. Wiping the steam from the glass, Raph stared back at his reflection. The person who was staring back at him was seething with barely controlled rage, hands twitching for the familiar feel of the cool steel of his weapons. His jaw was clenched and a vein jumped in his neck. His eyes were narrowed and blazing with Hell's Fire.

_Just save me  
From all that I am  
You save me  
For the fuck of it_

"What am I doing?" Raph whispered, hands gripping the side of the basin in defeat. God he couldn't even look at his own reflection.

_And most importantly, I'm better than you._

_Save me  
Just hold out your hand  
You save me  
From all of it_

The words sprung to his mind from that night on the rooftop. His rage spiralled out of control and he drew his fist back and punched the mirror. Glass cracked and shattered around him as the mirror broke into tiny fragments. Raph's reflection was now mirrored in each individual piece of the glass, staring back at him with acusing eyes.

_And all that I've become  
Is you  
The only good in me  
Is you  
And after all of this  
The day will come to find out_

Those words. He hated those words. Physically he was stronger than his brother. He might not be as skilled as Leo was but if a fight came he knew he would have the most strength. He had proved that by snapping Leo's Katina's in half.

_Will you take me  
Or forsake me?  
So pray for me  
Am I forgiven?  
For what you take from me_

Raph's arms began to shake and he sank onto the glass covered ground. Where was this anger coming from? What was wrong with him? Why did he despise his brother? Why couldn't he control the animal inside of him? Why did he let it win?

_Save me  
Just hold out your hand  
You save me  
From all of it  
Come save me_

Raph knew the answer, deep down. Hell, he had always known the answer; he just hadn't wanted to admit it. And the truth was he needed his brother. He needed Leo. He didn't need him to save him from The Shredder, or Purple Dragons, or even the elusive Foot Ninjas. He needed Leo to save him from something different all together.

He needed Leo to save him from himself.

_Pray for me  
Am I forgiven?_


End file.
